For the time being, we at chrisbelsito.com have decided that the forum section will not be interactive, will not accommodate web surfers, or provide an opportunity for people to publicly display their disgust for our music. Instead, this will be a band forum where members will be unknowingly quoted, or maybe knowingly sound off on random topics, gripe and complain, whine like the weasals they are, and generally annoy the web world. The topics of these rants will likely be unpredictable and go on ad nauseum. You have been warned. Some Thoughts on Rot "Your noticeable absence from the Web has no doubt resulted in at least a few people NOT using the Internet, choosing instead to go outside, talk to other human beings or perhaps even reading books. A commendable course of action to be sure. However, I accidentally visited your site earlier this evening and to my horror found not one, not two, three or four, but no less than FIVE new articles in the News Section as well as some photographs. It made 2008 feel very 2005 for a moment. I trust there will be no new content for a while, and assume this to be an aberration of some sort. You have been a leader in rotting websites and might want to consider that in the future before you post again." - Craig West A Crepe War For The Ages It began with with a few small words at the end of an otherwise inoffensive email from Jeff Elgie. Those words: "P.S. my crepes are better". That short statement set forth a bitter war pitching Belsito family crepe recipe against the Elgie "frou frou", by-the-book recipe. As in all wars, someone benefits from the battle. In this case: a hungry Craig West, whose glutonous need for crepes is apparently insatiable forcing him to play one crepe chef off the other. "P.S. my crepes are better." - Jeff Elgie "Your crepe statement is questionable. I smell a 'crepe-off' brewing." - Chris Belsito "Great, but the 'crepe-off' already happened. Craig was an independent, unbiased reviewer." - Jeff Elgie Craig had apparently compared Belsito's crepes (which he had eaten the day before) to Jeff's (which he had eaten a few weeks before). Unaware that his words would get back to Belsito, he "allegedly" told Jeff that he had enjoyed his crepes the best "Ouch. He bites the crepes that feed. How unfortunate for him. His next batch will be made special for him: garlic crepes." - Chris Belsito "We may have to move to a full panel if you do not accept the results." - Jeff Elgie This is where Craig attempts to justify and make amends (trans. "suck up") while ensuring he gets more crepes than any human needs. "You have each been identified as master crepe cookers. I have been identified as a master crepe eater. One cannot exist without the other. Nature intended things to be this way." - Craig West "Interestingly, you benefit from the battle for crepe supremacy." - Chris Belsito "Perhaps to settle the question of crepes, a meal could be arranged, with both chef's presenting their work to those attending. Jeff's are so far in the lead by a nose (for paper-thinness), but Belsito's did have a brilliant vanilla overtone to them. All we need do is agree on a kitchen / dining area to stage the crepe-off." - Craig West (Editor's Note: The great crepe off has yet to happen, but the cold diplomacy between the parties continues. Needless to say, Craig West may be crepeless for a while). Hateful Hate (Aimed at Craig West) "Good luck. If you win anything know that I will hate you for at least 2 and a half days. Then I will be happy for you." - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: It is good to make those you will hate aware ahead of time.) Meat Intake (Or Why West Will Die Before Belsito) "I have eaten too much meat the past week." - Chris Belsito "Better than eating too little." - Craig West Another Day to Die "How are you today?" - Craig West "I am fine." - Chris Belsito "Liar." - Craig West "To quote off my next record, can I do that?, 'I'm as silent as a shotgun, cause my dreams are just a curse, haunted by the ghost of moments, somehow I wind up feeling worse.' Thought it kinda summed me up today." - Chris Belsito "It does sum you up. Will the special box set come with just enough sleeping pills and a custom Chris Belsito straight razor?" - Craig West "It will come with a unique, multipurpose noose, not available in stores." - Chris Belsito "A brilliant idea. Perhaps a very, very exclusive, 'Die with Chris Belsito at your bedside' package could be put together. You sit in a chair, while a Kevorkian machine does it's work, singing songs to make them no longer want to struggle." - Craig West "I could work with that. I have become a spiteful, hateful person." - Chris Belsito "You were always spiteful and hateful. It's just not noticeable at first what with the soft and cultured (i.e. phony) exterior." - Craig West Belos "I accidentally typed Belos into a document and decided I liked the word, and would offer it to you for obvious reasons. In other words, Jim brought his new bouzouki in today ... Big thing ... I've never played a bouzouki before and think I rather want one now. I always thought bouzoukis were rinky-dink little things." "I want a bazooka." - Chris Belsito "And thus the differences between Chris and NowWorkingFor(Censored)Chris become oh so painfully clear." - Craig West Chris Tells Jeff No...and That Doesn't Seem To Work "Hey Chris, Craig tells me you're coming tomorrow night for the sauna at 9:00. So, I just wanted to say that it will be good to see you! Happy New Year." - Jeff Elgie "My advisors have told me to respond with the following: 'I am sorry that I am unable to attend your sauna event. I plan on dying Friday morning in an industrial accident and don't expect resurrection until Saturday a.m." - Chris Belsito The following day - Friday "You need a new advisor. Sorry to hear that you died today." - Jeff Elgie "You may be right. Unfortunately (or fortunately) my advisor was killed in the same accident and may not be resurrecting." - Chris Belsito "Looks like you shouldn't take the advice of your advisor then. see you at 9." - Jeff Elgie "Pick me up on your way over Chris." - Craig West All Hail The Monkey Gods Read the following story before continuing. "If this could happen in our legislature, I would pray to the monkey god too. I can envision it now, 'PM Harper falls off balcony after being attacked by monkeys.'" - Chris Belsito Brilliant! I would gladly trade my problems with racoons for a good old battle with monkeys." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Should we even ask what West's problem with raccoons is? Nah!) Things We Can Blame On Ed Belsito friend and drummer Ed Young is a genuinely nice fella. That being said, there have been a few recent events that we think we can pin on him - especially since he is the only Ed we know Evidence #1: Recently received email subject line: "Don't let ED ruin your sex life." While it is true the email goes on to explain that ED is actually erectile disfunction, we think there is something fishy about it all. Speaking of fishy... Evidence #2: Chris was recently overheard to say the following: "I didn't feel very good last night after I talked to you. I guess Ed's Catfish House wasn't such a good idea." Yes, Belsito was in fact in Arkansas at the time, but we are becoming increasingly suspicious of Ed and wondering if he doesn't have a hand in more than just drumming. The Hobo Style Sing along: Maybe tomorrow, I'll wanna settle down, until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on. "Buenos Dias. Can you forward to me a picture of ChrisBelsito.com? I am writing a children's book called, 'The Little Sideburns That Could' and require a picture for my graphic designer to prepare the illustrations from. Thank you." - Paul Rancourt, Western Canadian Reader "Beautiful. I am getting all misty at just the thought of it." - Chris Belsito "We are also considering a TV show about a wandering sideburn, that travels across Canada, meeting people and helping them out. Maybe some day he'll want to settle down, until then he will just keep wandering on. The working title is 'The Littlest Sideburn Hobo.'" - Paul Rancourt Big in Texas Indeed Before reading this any further, see photo of Belsito's big pop in Texas in the NEWS area "Check this out." - Chris Belsito "You're are a disturbed individual without the influence of Texas. I fear the worst." - Craig West "That was one of the biggest pops I have ever encountered. An hour later, I still have lots left. If it looks big in the photo, it is worse in real life." - Chris Belsito "Having just finished rehearsing a few of your songs for my acoustic set, I think I will now have to perform 'Cinnamon' or 'Don't Know' as I can no longer do 'Skinny Bones' with any confidence." - Craig West "Let's reminisce on the lyrics to an earlier song 'Nothing to See'. How did it go? 'My enormities and pastries, you've got dough but you really should know, the extra grease goes to my knees...' Weren't those the lyrics?" - Chris Belsito "I think those lyrics could easily be affixed to any of your songs. When I introduce the songs live, I will say, 'When I play these songs, I like to remember Chris Belsito how he used to be when we gigged. Before Texas. Before the airplane magazines. Before the terrible, terrible weight.' I shall dedicate them to 'the enormous Chris Belsito.'" - Craig West "Amen, brother." - Chris Belsito Big Brother's Facial Hair and the Art of Amalgamation On viewing a photo gallery hall of fame of sports facial hair (to view, click here.): "I don't normally like sports-related articles, but I like the fact that they are recognizing facial hair." - Chris Belsito "I wonder what Big Brother thinks, when he takes correlates all the websites you go to. Facial hair one day, rotting death flower the next..." - Craig West "Ok, but I did I talk to you about this yet? I wonder if I can volunteer for this." - Chris Belsito "Ok. So, Big Brother is eventually going to just either send a missile to your house or amalgamate your brain." - Craig West The Apocalypse Click here "The end is near." - Chris Belsito "Good. I was worried I hadn't invested enough for my retirement." - Craig West Better Than Lunch "Don't suppose you wanna do lunch do you?" - Craig West "I have a dentist appointment in place of a lunch with you." - Chris Belsito "An inferior choice to be sure." - Craig West "Don't be so sure." - Chris Belsito Craig's Complex "You never said if you liked my clown." - Craig West (Editor's Note: We are going to leave this one alone. You know what they say, 'never mock a man and his clown.') More on the Magpie (see NEWS story) "This startled noise you made to make the evil carcass-carrying magpie exit your surroundings wasn't a girly scream Ned Flanders style, was it? Whether it was or not, that is how it will forever be pictured in my head 'cuz its funnier that way." - Slackhopper "And then I whined about not being able to eat my food shortly after that..." - Chris Belsito "Girl." - Slackhopper Grim findings on the Magpie Incident or Did You At Least Have Onions In Your Lunch? (see NEWS story) "Firstly I would like to say I have been a fan of the Magpie in the past, and also a fan of your music. Which makes this a bit awkward of course. In any case, I have done some research, and I am afraid my findings today might be seen as grim. According to the Koreans (and Google), magpies were the deliverers of news; in Germany (and Google) they were seen as foretellers of events, with the appearance of a single magpie being seen as unlucky. An old English tradition notes that if one magpie flies by, you should take your hat off and bow repeating this line : "Morning/Afternoon Mr Magpie. How's Mrs Magpie and all the little Magpies?" This will help assure your good luck throughout the day. I assume you did not do this? Sidenote 1: In Celtic lore the bird was sacred to 'MAGOG.' Sidenote 2: (Background) The tradition of Gog and Magog begins in the Bible with the reference to Magog, son of Japheth, in the Book of Genesis and continues in cryptic prophecies in the Book of Ezekiel, which are echoed in the Book of Revelation. The ambiguity of this tradition cannot be overstated. Even the nature of these entities differs greatly between sources. They are variously presented as men, supernatural beings (giants or demons), national groups, or lands. Gog and Magog appear in the Qur'an and occur widely in mythology and folklore. In any case, I am quite sure you have enough on your plate without having to worry about Biblical superbeings. To conclude, there are both positive and negatives associated with the magpie. In Australia they are seen as negative, however, in North American Native tradition, the bird is seen as a helper, and at least you were in North America when confronted by your magpie. All of this (and Google) tells us that the Magpie can be a double-edged sword. It requires mastery of your magpie spirit to achieve things, unmastered it will be self-destructive. Gossip, or uncontrolled chatter, and an unreasoning attraction to shiny things - be it materialistic objects, people or an inability to concentrate - spells danger just as oratory, or controlled chatter, concentration and the quick opportunistic observation can be used to devastating effect. One ray of hope here, (according to Google) in Somerset, England it was once thought that to carry an onion at all times would provide protection against magpies. Did you at least have onions in your lunch?" - Craig West Umm, Err, Umm "You never said if you liked my clown." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Ummm, yes Craig, we like your clown, we sure do, uh-huh.) Ah-Ha (No, not the 80s band) "I check your site semi-regularly…every day or two. It's like poking a hibernating bear to see if it will move." - Craig West The Truth About Madness "Are you sure you want to call attention to the Sounds section of your website? Remember, there may be new visitors to the site thanks to the Shaw segment." - Craig West "Why?" - Chris Belsito "This response is beneath you. Please try again. " - Craig West "Ok. It is actually all a ploy. Create an article specifically for the new viewers. They will get the feeling that I update the site regularly, which will lull them into a state of comfort. Then I won't update for a month at a time, leading them to despair." - Chris Belsito "Ah ha...the truth at last. Just as a mid-tempo dirge lulls the listener into sonic sorrow, this little bit of television promotion combined with a few seemingly fresh news articles will quickly sadden any new found Belsito fans, and sift out the enthusiastic ones you don't want leaving you with suicidal hangers-ons." - Craig West "Thank you." - Chris Belsito Beheadings and Strange Absences "I haven't been home lately and I leave town again tomorrow." - Chris Belsito "Where have you been and where are you going?" - Craig West "I was away and I will be gone again. It is best that that is all you know." - Chris Belsito "No man was ever beheaded who was absent for his beheading. Carry on." - Craig West Oh Brother, Here We Go... And it begins... "I never thought anything like this would happen to me...but...a few days ago I figured I should change the strings on my bass guitars. The strings were old, and our relationship had become a bit predictable and boring. I stopped by my local music store where I buy all my strings expecting to find the same old Fender products I had grown accustomed to using over the years. However, staring back at me from the string rack was not one...but TWO packs of Rotosound Strings. Stainless Steel and Nickel...they both looked at me and didn't even seem to care that I had other strings in my hand. Not an hour later, I had BOTH PACKS on my kitchen table, wide open and splayed for the whole world to see. My two basses were there as well, and within minutes the old strings were pulled off and thrown to the floor like unwanted clothes at an orgy. Strings everywhere....old...new....the whole thing was a mess. There was even a pair of pliers involved and since I had gone this far, I figured "what the hell" and oiled the finish of my Warwick Corvette. The handmade Rotosound strings, popularized by the late John Entwistle (who died in bed with a hooker incidentally), really delivered the goods and sound great. Today I feel like a new man, and my basses are twangier than ever before." - Craig West (Editor's Note: It seems people know a thing or two about Penthouse. Who wudda thunk it?") Dingo Days of Summer Some readers get on the FORUM once and all of a sudden become a website critic. "I never thought I would be writing you, but....I have noticed a decided decline in new forum material. Not expectation you to maintain the same high standards in journalistic excellence as your name sake "Forum" does, I do however expect you to entertain my complex mind with a cornucopia of chrisbelsito.comisms." - Paul Rancourt, Western Canada reader (Editor's Note: We are sorry to our readers that Mr. Rancourt is comparing the chrisbelsito.com FORUM to that of the unseemly Penthouse? You simply can't account for taste. "Dear Penthouse, we never would have believed that this would happen to us. We run a small, independent music website with a bare bone staff...") Fair Is Fair On reading that a Marlin speared a fisherman who was trying to reel it in (to read more click here.): "It is only fair that this sort of thing happens at least once in a while." - Chris Belsito Typos That Lead to New Words "Dirtly." - Craig West "I am positive I can put that word to good use." - Chris Belsito "I am positive I have." - Craig West Fitful Ends "I fell asleep shortly after you left yesterday and slept until dawn. This is also probably not good." - Craig West "Sleep is always good. It would be fun if we could perpetually sleep rather than die. Then the uncomfort of sleeping too long would set in but there would be nothing that could be done about it. Kinda like a purgatory." - Chris Belsito "Yes. First, I think 'uncomfort' is a great word, and congratulations for using it. A perpetually sleeping purgatory would be a fitful end indeed." - Craig West (Editor's Note: For the record, this email was entitled 'The Edge of Fat'.) Split Gigs or Split Personailties? "I don’t suppose you are interested in splitting your Bellevue Park gig with Trauma are you?" - Craig West "Let me discuss with myself." - Chris Belsito "Oh Christ…a committee." - Craig West Context-Free Quotes "Rams? I was also called for rams. That would be four rams between us. We could turn them loose at the Second Stage with Belsito and Startlefish shirts on. It would be worth the jail time." - Craig West (Editor's Note: We don't make this up folks!) More Context-Free Quotes: Part Deux "I think I am going home...I can't tolerate my own condition." - Chris Belsito "Please put that in your Forum without the context." - Craig West (Editor's Note: As requested.) Marshmallow Napalm "I'll be in on Sunday for the daytime show. I'll throw marshmallows at the stage, and you can wave insense sticks at the crowd." - Larry Borek "Make sure the marshmallows are roasted. I like them better that way." - Chris Belsito "Roasted marshmellows are akin to napalm. Very dangerous when thrown, or flicked off a stick. They stick to anything and burn like hell, especially to sunburned skin. Use with caution and remember kids, have fun and be safe." - Larry Borek (Editor's Note: We would like to ask Larry about how he gained knowledge of hot marshmallows, but we are scared to.) The Violence of Craig West "My stupid Pay Pal is not working...if there is someone at work you can punch and tell them 'that’s for what Pay Pal did to my friend' that would make me feel better." - Craig West Al Wood on Al Wood's Shoes In response to a NEWS item featuring a photo of Al Wood's shoes while performing at the Big Wheel and the Spokes CD Release Party "Famous last words...'ah, no point going home for your dress shoes Al. Who will notice? It is only a few tunes!'" - Allan Wood Reader Response to the Regular Stuff "Does chrisbelsito.com suffer an identity crisis when he refers to himself as chrisbelsito.com all the time?" - Paul Rancourt (New chrisbelsito.com reader from Calgary) "I am sorry, Belsito can't answer that right now." - Automated chrisbelsito.com email response send within seconds of Paul's email "We are sorry, chrisbelsito.com can't be held responsible for chrisbelsito.com content or how it is interpreted." - Editorial staff at chrisbelsito.com doing some customer service follow-up (Editor's Note: See...systems are in place here at chrisbelsito.com and there is a proper protocol to take care of all those pesky questions.) The Regular Stuff "Any further thoughts on what we are going to play on the 23rd?" - Craig West "Chris has thoughts, but you'll have to talk to him." - Chris Belsito "You are often a strange man. This is one of those oftens." - Craig West July 6, 2006: 666 "Today is the 6th day, of the 6th month, of the 6th year of this millennium. Today would have been a good day to have a kid. Oh well … next millennium I guess." - Craig West "Or kill a kid. Just a thought." - Chris Belsito "Human sacrifice...Belsito's buying." - Craig West More Fan Email "Hey, I threw up the other day and thought of you." - Roy Kreutzberger "How thoughtful. Try not to think of me too often unless you are looking to lose some weight." - Chris Belsito Fun with Adjectives "I am viciously bored." - Chris Belsito Slip Ups and Other Timeless Things Belsito received an email from Craig West with a subject line: "When Dogs Don't Bark" "You have used that subject line before." - Chris Belsito "I will endeavor to try harder. I forget sometimes which timeless saying I have used." - Craig West "Yes, please do. My attention span can’t take slip ups like that." - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: The subject of the next email was: "Let slip the sloths of war." A drastic improvement if we do say so ourselves.) He Got Monkey Fingers "Belsito is dead. Stop updating his website." - Craig West (Editor's Note: If Paul McCartney can get away with a high-profile death hoax, why can't Belsito? Oh yeah, he is not high-profile. Never mind.) Revenge of the Nerds "Montezuma didn’t know where you live. I do." - Craig West Montezuma's Revenge "You would not be the first person to return from Mexico with a stomach issue. You didn’t drink the water there did you?" - Craig West "When in Rome…very few options." - Chris Belsito "If you get to go to Rome I will kill you out of jealousy." - Craig West No, I am only going to Milan. Sorry." - Chris Belsito "I hate you." - Craig West "I accept your hate." - Chris Belsito "I may kill you. Just so you know." - Craig West When The Dogs Don't Bark "Good Morning. Raise your hand if you were up until 2 a.m. preparing copy for this morning. I think this is how people become Conservatives. They start working hours like we now work, and one day they see some kid sleeping in, and rather than remember the days when they were the kids sleeping in, they just want to kick the kid and say 'get a job'. And the next thing you know … they vote for Stephen Harper." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Yes, we know exactly what you mean good job, middle-class, homeowner with flower gardens and a fancygreen mini-van.) Spare Change "I like it better when your site doesn't change." - George Ravlich (Editor's Note: Note to self....not everyone likes website updates.) Craig West Camping? Words that should never be together, but for one fateful weekend happened. Craig West went canoeing, portaging and camping...but he tried to get out of it by saying he had to go on another "trip"...and suggested Belsito substitute for him. "Are you coming? You could say yes and take Craig's place." - Jeff Elgie, Canoe Excursion Organizer "Now why would I want to do that? I would actually love to go canoeing but the timing is wrong for me. Trust me, being able to take pictures of Craig doing a physical activity of any sort would be worth it. Craig as a voyageur, hmmm." - Chris Belsito "I hate you." - Craig West "I think that Chris is calling you a pansy, and as I also suspected, realizes that this mystery "Sudbury trip" is simply a way to get out of physical activity and the outdoors." - Jeff Elgie "Sudbury trip? Craig usually tells me about things of that nature. That story smells funny. Hey Craig, going shopping? Need new shoes? Besides since when has Craig not done what he wants before? I’m with you on this one Jeff." - Chris Belsito "I think that Craig is shopping for a little pink umbrella for his girly drinks. Perhaps a nice new set of leather pants as well." - Jeff Elgie (Editor's Note: It's funny, Craig really had no good comebacks.) Musicians Are Spoiled "Local musicians have had it too easy. It is time for them to suffer for their art. No more fat from the cow." - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: For you very literal readers, Belsito is sometimes sarcastic.) Damn Skin! "My skin keeps me down. Without my skin, I could really be something." - Chris Belsito Getting What's Coming to Him Singer Morrissey has been sued endlessly by a former drummer for royalties to songs he never wrote, and under an archaic British law, won. To read about it, click here.) "Having read the above article, I have decided to sue you. It appears that there is precedent in the world of rock and roll to sue someone for something you are not entitled to, and likely win. Although you have treated me very fairly as a band member in the past, paying me for all gigs and recordings as negotiated, I feel that I must take you to court for 1.5 million pounds sterling. Since this was the amount that was mentioned in the above article, I figure it is a good starting point. Should you wish to settle without the public embarrassment of a lawsuit, I believe some agreeable terms could be found. Sorry about this. I hope we can still be friends. P.S. Following the above mentioned lawsuit, I would be happy to join with you in suing Ed in an attempt to regain the money you will lose having been sued by me. P.P.S. Jay is next." - Craig West More Vultures "I am glad my worry over the vultures has been acknowledged publicly. Now perhaps something will get done." - Craig West Vultures "Belsito promised me vultures, do you see any vultures?" - Craig West Big Nonsense "Do you know what Belsito's 'Big Idea' is, he keeps telling me he has a big idea but hasn't told me what it is yet." - Curt O' Neil "I have some ideas as to the big idea, but he keeps details close. I expect soon we will start seeing developments from all sides." - Craig West "So, think you'll be able to let me know your ideas of his ideas in regards to the big idea?" - Curt O' Neil "That's the idea." - Craig West "What's the idea? I think I'm missing something here." - Curt O' Neil "So am I...all our ideas need to wait for Chris' ideas, and once his ideas start to be shared, then our ideas can intermingle with them, and the big idea can manifest itself. That's the idea." - Craig West "Ah okay, I think I'm catching on now. Stupid Chris." - Curt O' Neil "He is hard to work with. You may have noticed this." - Craig West "Not as hard as some people." - Curt O' Neil "True, but enough to make your hair turn grey." - Craig West "If only I had hair..." - Curt O' Neil "Well, you should think about what the consequences of working with Belsito will be on the hair you have left." - Craig West "Egads! Then again, I've been 'working' with Belsito for the past 4 years. Maybe that's where my hair went?Speaking of which, he's thrown my server all topsy turvy and ran over bandwidth (I don't know how though). Not with his site but possibly emails." - Curt O' Neil "You should send him an email to tell him as much." - Craig West "I did, to both accounts, info@chrisbelsito.com and youmademelosemyhair@youbastard.com." - Curt O' Neil Devices and Other Deviant Words "I found another device that I am going to buy." - Chris Belsito "I see your thinly veiled plot!" - Craig West What Happens When You Don't Update Your Website "Friends, musicians, surfers, lend me your ears; I come to bury chrisbelsito.com, not to praise it. The evil that men post upon the Net; The good is oft interred with their blogs; So let it be with chrisbelsito.com. The noble Curt hath told you chrisbelsito.com could be updated regularly: If it were so, it was a grievous fault, and grievously hath Curt answer'd it. Here, under leave of Belsito and the rest - for Belsito is an honourable man." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Methinks Craig hath read too much Shakespeare.) If I Had A Million Dollars...I'd Be in Prague "...On a good note...I gave away a cool million dollars today." - Chris Belsito "Hello? Do you know what we could do with a million dollars in Prague? Where is the real Chris Belsito? Put him on the line." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Belsito really did give away a million bucks. Unfortunately, it was not his.) Jay Case From The Deep Before you go any further, click here.) "Did you enjoy the furry sea creature link?" - Chris Belsito "The furry sea creature reminded me of Jamie. I liked it." - Craig West(Editor's Note: It is a compliment, really.) Keeping Jay Case On His Toes "Hey #@%*ero, what's the deal with the cellar tap gig? No Case? Nice #@%*in' guys! Seriously #@%*sauce, we should meet sometime this week...let me know and #%*& off with your two man shows. %$*butter." - Jay Case (Editor's Note: It's kinda like a fill-in-the-blanks game to see what words are being said in the above love note from Jay Case. For the record, Jay no longer seems as cute and furry as a sea creature after that barrage of bad language.) Craig West's Role in Belsito, West and Case Trio "What is your plan for tonight?" - Chris Belsito "Get drunk while you two play, get on stage and flail around like an idiot, perhaps pick a fight with a stranger, fall down and vomit on myself." - Craig West (Editor's Note: We knew he had a role, we just weren't able to sum it up as eloquently as Craig himself could.) No Green Alien Women For Belsito If you never watched Star Trek, do bother reading this entry any further. If you did, click here.) "I am Picard." - Chris Belsito "As am I. I was hoping for Kirk. At least neither one of us was Uhuru." - Craig West (Editor's Note: We know what you're thinking...they're geeks. Yes, it is true.) All Growed Up "I just heard that Taddo just got a good job at City Hall – all the City’s little musicians are growing up so fast." - Chris Belsito Now Children, Behave! When sorting out the times slots for an upcoming Belsito, West and Case show, the following e-mail incident occured. "Hey Case, Belsito called 'first spot'. Do you want second or third? I don’t really care." - Craig West "I’ll take second...I’m getting old and my energy is gone by 11:30. Sound good?" - Jay Case "Sure man…done…Belsito then Case then West for the records…and wait until you hit 36." - Craig West "Brother, I don't plan on making it that far..." - Jay Case "Cool…can we book a 'Last Gig Of His Life' show for you?" - Craig West "Hey, let's not get too excited about the fact that I’m gonna die here, broseph. I have upwards of 9 years left....let me enjoy them before we book that final gig. Cool?"- Jay Case "Sure, sure…I am just looking out for you. I want the transition from up and coming artist to dead artist to go smoothly for you." - Craig West "Now I’ll have to stay up all night, clutching a steak knife, waiting for the assassins. This is where I take a severe downturn in my life...ironic that talking about my impending death actually hastens it. You’re a real pal." - Jay Case "Well this is what I’m trying to save you from. If you know when that last gig is you won’t have to worry about assassins. You can sleep comfortably for X number of years without worry or fear. Then you do that last gig … and we put out a commemorative live album." - Craig West "I’d like to be at the top of my game for the recording....by the time I’m your age, I’ll barely be able to hold my head up. What do you think? Can we record the 'commemorative' album soon? We can merely lock it away and release it when I croak." - Jay Case "Agreed…I think it’s a great idea. When the day comes for your last show, we will simply record the crowd noise and your senile muttering and mix in the songs from now." - Craig West "Done and done...get Crank Cound distribution on board for this Friday. Actually, I think he'll be dead before me, so him recording my 'last show' wouldn't make any sense. That is unless Andrew Lay takes over for him and turns it into a profitable business when George kicks it." - Jay Case (Editor's Note: For the matter of record...Jay used the phrase "done and done"...unprompted. Sorry Roy!) What's Done is Done If you are not quite sure, we suggest that it would be safe to assume that Mr. Kreutzberger is a bubble off plum. "Bring one of your CD/DVD thingies so I can finally buy one." - Roy Kreutzberger "I was probably supposed to send you one but forgot, right?" - Chris Belsito "You were supposed to send one, but I probably wouldn't have paid you for it. You would have gone to a collection agency and I wouldn't have paid them. We would have gone to court, and at that point I may have considered paying for it. So, it's probably easier this way." - Roy Kreutzberger "Ok. Done and done." - Chris Belsito "What's done and done? Wouldn't it just be 'done' since I really only asked for the CD. If I had said, 'Hey, could you bring me a copy of your CD AND sign it...then it would have been done and done." - Roy Kreutzberger Positive Mondays Belsito is never too happy or positive on a Monday morning "Then…it begins." - Chris Belsito "What?" - Craig West "The end." - Chris Belsito "The end of … joy? Fidelity? Peace on earth? The line?" - Craig West "The end of…everything." - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: As Rupert the Bear would say, "Don't be glum, Chum.) Belly Button Lint Mondays "Glad I didn't read your Monday forum entry on Monday. I must say, you and Craig have really helped me get in touch with my life-is-a-mouldy-mass-of-belly-button-lint side. Important for any writer." - Author Anita Daher On Belsito's Pencil Moustache in the Speakeasy Poster "I would enthusiastically support you if your decision was in fact to grow a pencil moustache. You would join the ranks of such manly figures in the entertainment world as John Waters and Errol Flynn. Oh yes, a new career awaits you if you can just operate that razor with the right balance of metrosexuality and accuracy. Good luck sir. And like Errol Flynn before you … may they keep you well away from public schools and trampolines." - Craig West Band Names and Little People Craig West was trying to come up with a new band name "Suggested by Nick as name for our new band…I kind of like it…imagine it red on a black background -- Trauma." - Craig West "I’d be surprised if there wasn’t already one." - Chris Belsito "Closest thing I can find is the ‘Elf Trauma Band'." - Craig West "Now that is a name." - Chris Belsito "Poor elves." - Craig West The Laxative World "Your forum...all this talk of movements. I am glad to see Jay Case is finally staying regular." - Craig West Blog Wars After an extended lack of movement on his website, Jay Case finally makes an update. "Jay lives." - Chris Belsito "Never mind, Belsito. I have a feeling you've been dead for months and tiny elves are updating your website in your absence. Prove me wrong..." - Jay Case (Editor's Note: The preceding text was kindly stolen from www.jaycase.ca.) Mock, Mock, Mock "When am I going to be mocked? I wanna be mocked." - Ed Young (approximately one week ago) (Editor's Note: Ask and you shall receive, my son.) Photo Confessions "I should really have taken a photo of myself the one time I dyed my hair blonde in a fit of teenage pique…it was not too dissimilar to the photo on your website. Then again, you would likely have gotten hold of said photo and who knows what would have happened then." - Craig West "I thought the Photoshopped photo of you with the long blond hair reminded me of the guy in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy." - Chris Belsito "Zaphod Beeblebrox? Nice. Now, if only I had a second head and was president of the universe." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Who needs the real photo of the dyed blonde hair when you have the confession of it?) Picking on the Roadie The following is only a part of a conversation about roadie (and brother of Chris) Dan Belsito. Sometimes conversation fragments are better than the conversation itself. "...we really need to have a serious talk about what we are going to do with him. I am sure you recognize that we can’t have a Belsito running around exhibiting 'poor behaviour'. It’s bad for the family image, bad for the fellas, but also bad for the band. If his negative behaviour increases, it affects the Belsito Band, and therefore eventually Startlefish. Since this situation could potentially be of professional concern to me, I feel I need to speak up on this issue." - Craig West Are you ready to order, sir? "For the record, I prefer the double leg dinner with mashed potatoes." - Craig West I'll Have a Half-Chicken Dinner.... "When I first went to your site, I thought for a second Encore At The Chalet meant we had a gig at Swiss Chalet." - Craig West Jaw Harps and Pimp Sticks The following was part of a review referencing the bass part in the song "Blurring" "Is that a jaw harp? The first thing that jumps out at me is that annoying rubberbandy noise that runs through the entire friggen song. I don't know what it is but- GET RID OF THAT THING. It doesn't help the song at all." - Christine _____, Reviewer from Santa Monica, California It doesn't really bother me, but if i find out where that little nut-sack lives I will beat his #$%*# head in with my pimp-stick!" - George Ravlich, Bass Player on "Blurring" and Occasional Pimp Wannabe. (Editor's Note: We have removed Chirstine's last name to protect her for unknowingly criticizing the absolute wrong person possible. Even with this much information, George may travel to Santa Monica, California to find every reviewer with the name Christine.) Early Morning Reality Check "Good morning, have you heard about the cyclops kitten?" - Chris Belsito (and yes, this is real. Click here.) As Overheard By George Ravlich "Don't you blink at me." - Chris Belsito (directed at Craig West) What Comes Around...Comes Around Again "By leaving your forum stagnant since my last comment, you need only wait for more coverage on CBC and it becomes relevant again. Well done." - Craig West Yeah, Yeah... "I was just visiting the frozen tomb of your website...get some new content would you and stop bragging about CBC..." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Poor confused Craig mixes up which band he is in that gets airplay. Ouch...we know that he is sensitive about these things.) On Belsito Obsessive-Compulsive Nature When Dealing With Web Design "I finally know what I would like to see in redesigning this site...I have a site that we can use as a template - and it has nothing to do with Harry Manx." - Chris Belsito "Sweet, because I think if I ever see Harry Manx in person I'll punch him in the face." - Curt O' Neil, Belsito's Website designer (Editor's Note: To be fair, Curt is generally a nice guy, but Chris tortured him by wanting his site to be like Manx's - to the point where poor Curt has now apparently developed some "issues". Poor hurt Curt!) Oh, The Horror (and the Pope) "My lunches are now EXACTLY an hour, so I have less time to roam about." - Craig West "Serves you right. You will see the err of your ways. You will come to understand the danger of the flippant and unwieldy lunch hours in your past. You will become a reformed man - much like the Pope. " - Chris Belsito "I am already almost exactly the same as the Pope. We both wear white robes around, both of us are German, and most of my friends already call me Benedict XVII." The Truth About Cats and Dogs "Do dogs really eat dogs sometimes?" - Craig West "Yes, especially when they are cats ." - Chris Belsito "Poor cats." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Please don't ask why...it only makes matters worse.) Creativity Leads To... "And as we all know, creative thoughts lead to bad things." - Chris Belsito On the Frailty of Craig West "I am now done as Musician's Night host, just in time to have even less to do on my EI." - Craig West "Yes, you should not strain yourself. Become frail and bathe all day long." - Chris Belsito "Agreed. To pressure myself unnessessarily would be unwise." - Craig West On the Craig West's Recent Unemployment "The days of flux are here." - Craig West "If you sit around too much, maybe the days of flax will be coming. Good for regularity, you know." - Chris Belsito "I have Muslix for that." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Whew! We are certainly glad he dodged that bullet. Now to warn him about the annoyance of bedsores.) 'The Greek Skunk' "There is actually no greek skunk, but I thought it sounded like a good email title." - Craig West "Well, you know what they say, 'the only good skunk is a greek skunk.' - Chris Belsito "Old sayings are the best sayings, aside from new sayings that sound like old sayings, of course." - Craig West Forum Conspiracy We received a couple of messages on our static forum within hours from each other. We wouldn't want to assume there are individuals in cahoots with each other, but we have discovered telling evidence. "Perhaps it is time to open your forum to the public...it appears to have stopped breathing and is turning blue." - Craig West Then there was this exchange an hour or so later: "Have your friends had nothing interesting to say since the 24th of July?" - An individual who we shall remain anonymous due to the following comments "That's right! They're dullards. Finally, someone has noticed." - Chris Belsito "I don't think they're dullards...I talked to Craig West on Friday and found him to be quite interesting. Maybe you just haven't been paying attention." - Our misguided friend (Editor's Note: Apparently someone has taken sides and is easily fooled.) On the Building of a New Arena in Chris' Hometown The following was found posted on a popular news agency's message board "This city will go bankrupt! What's the purpose of having an arena when they can't even fill up the seats they've got now?...The only bands that will be coming to the Soo are Blue Rodeo and Glass Tiger and the Chris Belsito band!" - Anon (under the online name of Angry Stupid Taxpayer) (Editor's Note: That not fair...Glass Tiger? On the up side, the person posting assumed Belsito's band would be coming to town, as opposed to living there. That's good, isn't it?) On the Plethora of Red Lights at the Fade Dissolve CD Release Party "It looked like you were performing in hell." - David Dorricott, LTVNews Top Ten Belsito/Jagger Similarities According to Craig West "10. Both are fops with specific hair care needs 9. Both are called "tyrant" under the muttered breath of their bands 8. Belsito's guitarist Craig West was born on Dec 18 ... Keith Richards was born on Dec. 18 7. Jagger starred in Freejack (with Emilio Estevez) and Belsito starred in indie-goth-industrial-Saskatchewan-art films 6. Both are non-smokers surrounded by chain smokers 5. Both like Brazil and things that come from Brazil 4. Jagger had his marriage of 20 years to model Jerry Hall annulled on a technicality out of spite, Belsito is generally spiteful and has never married 3. Their solo albums sell about the same number of copies 2. The Beatles will always be cooler than either 1. Likely the word "dreamy" has ALSO been used to describe Jagger - See LTV News Forum for further details" - Craig West (Editor's Note: The person who used the word "dreamy" on the LTV Forum was likely being sarcastic and the Stones are way cooler than the Beatles...what is Craig thinking?) From the Peanut Gallery, Um, We Mean Craig "Your forum was funny today. Keep it that way." - Craig West Belsito / The Rolling Stones: Pretty Much the Same Thing "I was wearing your tour t-shirt in a Shopper's Drug Mart [in Ottawa], the cashier upon quick scrutiny looked at the logo and said with some kind of accent 'is dat rolling stones'. I said, No, it is Chris Belisito - a friend of mine who plays too." - Al Wood (of Red Wood Central fame) (Editor's Note: To be fair to the cashier, Belsito and Jagger must share a similarity or two. We are still looking for them, mind you.) On Belsito's Latest Email Campaign Promoting CD Release Event "Blah, blah $%#%in' blah. Screw off with your #$%*, ball-seed!" - George Ravlich (Editor's Note: We are not 100% sure, but we think he likes us.) When Promoting the New Belsito DVD "The special feature is called Belsito's Barn (he is from down the line after all). Sort of a take on Belsito Band I guess. I have not seen the final cut of the footage myself, but you will not be disappointed I am sure." - Craig West "Sweet! I'm hoping there's some barn yard mischief going on." - Roy Kreutzberger On Waking Up in a Futon With the Belsito Brothers in Montreal "Let's not talk about last night, ok?" - Lindsay Pugh On Chris Belsito's First Toad Sighting During The Flooding On His Recent Tour "Are you sure you haven't been licking a toad?" - Dan Belsito (brother/roadie) Crotch Shots and Batons "Uh dude, more than the disturbing 'historical' Alex Belsito photo...well, the accentuated crotch area along with the baton in hand. Need I say more?" - Donna Hopper Revealing Startlefish Secrets "Last night while you looked backwards to the old ways, rehearsing your acoustic set with Jay Case in the comfort of his suburban home, I met with an as-of-yet-unnamed avante garde guitarist in a seedy location and discussed said guitarists playing some Startlefish gigs." - Craig West "Who?" - Chris Belsito "That would be telling." - Craig West "Fine play your stinky avant garde rock under a veil of secrecy. Too bad Startlefish isn't avant garde or this mystery player would be able to fit in." - Chris Belsito "Of course we are avante garde. Most of our influences are Germanic and we rarely play in 4/4 time." - Craig West "Most of your influences are not Germanic. Nor are most of your songs in anything other than 4/4." - Chris Belsito "Are too, Germanic." - Craig West "Are not." - Chris Belsito "From our shaved heads and shrunken black garb to the stink of our synthesizers and tubas we are definitely Germanic." - Craig West "Nein!" - Chris Belsito "Your bourgeoisie nay-saying bounces off like dusty bits of American automobiles laying dead at the side of our glorious Autobahn." - Craig West (Editor's Note: As you can tell from the preceding conversation, maturity and creativity don't alway go hand-in-hand. Fortunately, both Belsito and West own enough Kraftwerk cds to justify this conversation.) On The Impending Release of Belsito's New CD "Yeah, I've heard that one before." - Anonymous audience member Craig West's Day Off "Enjoying your day off, sniffle man? Let me tell you, I certainly am getting things done. It is good to know I am making a difference in this world, helping the corporate structure run just a bit more smoothly. And you are missing all of this while you sniffle at home." - Chris Belsito "It is a good feeling to decide that one deserves better than to work with a chill and a sore throat. This afternoon I plan to nap. I am glad that things are getting done. It is a good feeling to know that, at least today, someone cares about the corporate world more than themselves. You, sir, are a shining example of 'the worker'. My dad would be proud of you today." - Craig West Craig West's "Medicine" "The 'all natural' herbal cold medicine I am taking is making me feel like spiders are crawling under my skin." - Craig West A Modern Dante's Inferno "When I put my latest mix of 'Blood Red Moon', the computer read it as 'Cruel Prelude' by Bobby Brown (from his Don't Be Cruel CD. Maybe the computer is trying to tell me something." - Chris Belsito "Wow ... what have you done for the universe to hate you so much? I figure it is God punishing you for your guitarless view of the world." - Craig West "Yes, it must be. I guess I will share a place in hell with Karen Carpenter. Then again, it is more likely to be Whitney Houston if they sent me the Bobby Brown omen. I think I need to rewrite Dante's Inferno." - Chris Belsito "In Hell you will spend eternity sitting in-between Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston as they discuss domestic issues, their feelings and their oh so very informed opinions on the subject of music." - Craig West Accidentally Typed Words Belsito is a notoriously bad typer. The following was in an email transaction: "I am feeling like I am undersataned." - Chris Belsito "For the record, I agree with your subconscious. You are definitely undersataned." - Craig West Belsito on the New CD "It is audacious to say the least." - Chris Belsito Craig West Requests Prozac We all have specific health needs, so it is interesting to note that the quickly-aging Craig West has formally put in his specifics request to the Belsito management. "By the way, is the Belsito Band going to get around to setting up health benefits this year for band members? Obviously we won't have to worry about loud guitars hurting our hearing, but perhaps some basic medical benefits to cover the cost of antacids, muscle relaxers and Prozac." - Craig West Chris and the Mechanics On Craig West's suggestion that Belsito is trying to go ADULT CONTEMPORARY a la Sting, Micheal Bolton and Mike and the Mechanics (remember them?) by turning down the electric guitars. "I guess, as you are a band member, that makes you one of the Mechanics. It is fun how this game works." - Chris Belsito "Gross. Take that back you self-serving soft rock sycophant." - Craig West "Some control needs to happen so we can hear the voice." - Chris Belsito "Sure. While riding in elevators I have rarely heard a Rod Stewart or Sting song where the voice was overridden by any kind of bold instrumentation." - Craig West "The guitars will be put in their place." - Chris Belsito "Like Brian Wilson and the Moody Blues remixing The Wall to make it safer to listen to while sleeping." - Craig West A Shady Deal "Mr. Belsito...the shady deal going on in the photos posted by Lord knows who on your website look more like a Vulcan mind meld...or at least an attempt at one. The political character you speak of obviously successfully resisted the mental intrusion...or the would-be attacker found nothing of importance...either way, keep up the gonzo journalism...well...maybe it's more like the 'Weekly World News.'" - Donna Hopper A Devo Diet "Are we men who are eating lunch and trading heroic, tragic and comic tales or are we dorks?" - Craig West "Are we not Devo?" - Chris Belsito "Do Devo eat?" - Craig West “I should not answer that or we may not allow ourselves to indulge in the food of the grease gods." - Chris Belsito "I think Devo would want us to eat, as surely it will aid our Devolution." - Craig West More FORUM Content Requests “A little less J. Case, please & thank you." - George Ravlich Threats and Influences? “I'd really like to see a little more Jay Case on the FORUM. I know everyone must say that to you, but you have to listen to me. You have no choice." - Jay Case (Editor's Note: We are not sure what he means by 'no choice', but we aren't taking any chances.) Like Bon Says, Hell Ain’t A Bad Place To Be “I am pretty sure the Devil is personally overseeing a special room for me...” – Craig West "You and me both brother, so shove over.” - Chris Belsito “Think he will let us have a jam space?” – Craig West More on the Dead Shrimp “You think that a career in music will bring your dead brine back? Well it won't. So deal with it and get on with your life.” – Craig West Out of Context Media Quotes “My condolences on the demise of your shrimp. Trust you've recovered by now from the emotional trauma.” – Dave Helwig, Sootoday.com On the Suggestion Craig West Should Sponsor a Baseball Team in Honour of Belsito “It is almost worth it to me to go broke so there can be a baseball team called the Chris Belsitonauts, but unfortunately I just have nowhere near the cash needed.” – Craig West %$*@%* FORUM “What the $#%&* is going on with your #$%@$&*% Forum. It's driving me $#%&*@ nuts. For $%&* sakes, do %&*#$%* something." - George Ravlich (Editors note: This is a paraphrase of what George said. The original quote was eaten by the internet and lost forever...to which George of course responded..."Put my $%@*@#$ quote back up." - George Ravlich) A Popeye For Future Generations? “I have determined from editing some pictures of myself lately that my left eye is a bit squinty.” – Craig West (Editor’s Note: Ironically enough, Craig hates all things green, including spinach). Trying to Identify a Female Presence on the Belsito FORUM "Craig West is a dominant driving force [on the Forum] and the only woman..." - Donna Hopper (Editor's Note: Hmmm, a bold and powerful observation.) Lunch Adventures "What time does the adventure start?" - Craig West "At the dribble of noon." - Chris Belsito "A powerful statement. Perhaps you would have made a good Klingon after all...well, perhaps not." - Craig West The 'Grog' of a Friday Morning "Def'n: Morning: a period of the day where...(fill in the blank)" - Chris Belsito "1) darkness is greatest; 2) hope is lost; 3) coffee is drawn; 4) eyes feel like pins; 5) ennui is forged like a sword." - Craig West "Excellent work grasshopper." - Chris Belsito "Thank you master po." - Craig West (Editor's Note: It is all in the question, isn't it?.) At the Y..M..C..A.. On being accused that he hung about the YMCA so much that they eventually hired him. "Hey, it's fun to stay there." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Well put, young man! Now how about trying on this leatherman outfit.) A Saleman's Instinct On being accused of selling out the Gods of Rock by attempting to sell his Flying V and turning to electronic programming. "Not true. I sell everything...if you slept long enough, you would wind up on eBay too." - Craig West One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest "It was just yesterday that someone reminded me that you where indeed crazy. But then again, it was Craig, and I have to assume that he would know a crazy." - Katina Schell (Onlooker) Other Than Belsito, What Else Goes Pop? "Pop goes the weasel. Corks get popped. Corn can be popped and is quite tasty. Soda pop is one of the leading causes of tooth decay and obesity. According to the dictionary pop can mean... To hit a short high fly ball, especially one that can be caught by an infielder. To discharge (a firearm). To leave abruptly or hurriedly. To die suddenly. To speak thoughtlessly in a burst of released anger. Father. Of/or for the general public; popular or popularized. Cause to burst with a loud, explosive sound ('The child popped the balloon') and... 'Pop' is also a song by N'Sync." - Craig West (Editor's note: Between this list and the 'Hop on Pop' poster, do you think West might be implying that Belsito has turned to "pop" music [i.e. sold out]? Nah...) Craig West's Day Off Craig took a 'legitimate' sick day off. Here is a breakdown of his symptoms and our analysis of them. "The room is spinning." - Craig West "Vertigo perhaps?" - Chris Belsito "If only..." - Craig West "Some sicknesses are fun to talk about. Vertigo is one of those sicknesses. It is much cooler, than say, the flu." - Chris Belsito "My throat is closing." - Craig West "Death by snakebite? Sounds like it to me." - Chris Belsito "I would hate to be dying of a snakebite and not remember the snake." - Craig West "Yes true. Would that be labelled 'death by misadventure' since there are no poisonous snakes in this region?" - Chris Belsito "If I am die..." - Craig West "Japanese subtitles?" - Chris Belsito "Fever makes for strange email." - Craig West "Strange email makes for fever." - Chris Belsito Self-Esteem Building Via Chrisbelsito.com "I feel good about myself when I'm quoted on your forum. Can you please put this on your forum? Thanks." - George Ravlich (Crank Sound Distribution) (Editor's Note: We do what we can. It's our little part in making this world a better place.) The Belsito of Liberty (Or Why Belsito is the Statue of Liberty in the Planet of the Apes Poster) "They should actually change the Statue of Liberty's face to Belsito's. He's much prettier." - Roy Kreutzberger (former drummer for Startlefish) "Agreed." - Craig West "I'm not sure how he would feel about being arguably the most important symbol in American history? If he was comfortable with it...I think it would be a great opportunity for him. Think about the publicity. Anyone have a chisel?" - Roy Kreutzberger "It is ok - as I can comfortably feel connected to the French...they have many practices that I applaud." - Chris Belsito "I think that when self-promotion is concerned, Belsito has no shame. What would it be called...The Belsito Of Liberty?" - Craig West "No kidding. After all...he named the band after himself, what's a statue name?" - Roy Kreutzberger "If only we were trillionaires, we could pay for the statue to be re-modeled with BONJOUR! underneath it. The Americans would love that." - Craig West "Great. So I guess the next step is to sell it to the American people...which shouldn't be too hard considering they elected Bush for a second term." - Roy Kreutzberger "True. If we push it as a really bad thing, they should go for it." - Craig West "And we could have the statue holding 'The Ever Burning Flag'...that would be the icing on the cake." - Roy Kreutzberger "Agreed. Now all we need is money and power. Back to becoming criminals, I guess." - Craig West (Editor's Question: How do discussions like this ever get started?) Politically Incorrect Quotes From The Recording Studio "I am just not getting it today. I don't why, but I am feeling pretty white." - Jamie Case "Have you looked in the mirror lately?" - Larry Borek (Editor's Note: The reference to "white" when it comes to music is a "lack of feel" and for those who have never met Jamie, he is a bit on the milky side.) Quotes That Make Belsito's Friends Cringe "Rock and roll is only for the willing." - Chris Belsito Et Tu Craigus? "As for my treachery I can only say this...without Brutus who would remember Caesar?" - Craig West "Good point." - Chris Belsito "That's not what Caesar said." - Craig West Kind Words From "Liquid 3" From an online local music forum "Chris 'The Balls' Belsito! The first time I heard a Rainhorse CD I can remember was at Cases Music the first year it opened and I asked Rav...'Why is this guy so sad?' I now know...it's cause his balls are sore from carrying the local original scene for so goddamn long! Chris was born with a talent for writing and other than a stint in the Soo's BEST band (you know it!) has been primarily focused on originals and promoting original artists! I can't say enough about his influence with me as I think it quite a feat to jump in with a rock band pull off a kick ass rock show,be a ROCK STAR and head home and sound like butter with an acoustic in your hands! Chris...your awesome! Don't ever stop and **** em all if they can't take a joke!" - Jason Gasparetto (Liquid 3) (Editor's Note: Thanks Jay! Sniff, sniff.) The Downward Spiral of the Belsito Website "I think I liked the stagnation of the website rather than the tripe you've been posting recently...we have to talk." - Jay (Jamie) Case The Kid Speaks "Thanks a lot. You're a real pal. Now, I'm going to have at least four days of people calling me goatface." - Jamie Case On a Particularly Stunning Antique Home "I like that house. It has the appropriate cats in the windows." - Chris Belsito On the Apparent Death of the Belsito Forum "Your forum is fast becoming an archive. Must I remind you of your excellent quote just the other day something to the effect of..." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Rumours of its demise have been greatly exaggerated) On Craig Knack For Suggesting Inaccurate Quotes (But Sparking Belsito's Failing Memory Into Updating the Forum) "You would have me go astray with improper quotes." - Chris Belsito The Self-Mythologizing of Belsito and West "Our ability to self-mythologize is tremendous. I'm glad we have the good sense to document it on our websites." - Chris Belsito Why Email Wastes The Taxpayer's Money "Belsito needs to get signed so we can all start making millions, so we can live like kings AND save unusual animals." - Craig West "Yes, saving animals is fun. Belsito, get off your ass so we can save some animals damn-it!" - Curt O' Neil Carbuncles and Coffee "How is your coffee?" - Craig West "Tasty, unlike a carbunkle." - Chris Belsito "Have you ever tasted a carbuncle?" - Craig West "That would be telling." - Chris Belsito "Telling often happens following an asking." - Craig West "But I have learned from Number 6." - Chris Belsito "Clearly, you have not learned enough. I want information." - Craig West (Editor's Note: For those who are confused, click here) All Things Must Pass and More In reference to the passing of LTV's Sessions With Chris Belsito "Other things that must pass... 1. Gas 2. Gallstones 3. Speeding cars 4. Drunks 5. The Dutchie" - Craig West (Editor's Note: We particularly like #5. The influence of the songs of Musical Youth on Belsito's songwriting can't be overstated.) Remember Kids, Rock and Roll is Bad For Your 'Health' "I would like to think that at least one unplanned pregnancy is happening as a result of the good mood we will all be creating with our music." - Craig West (Editor's Note: For clarification sake, the potential pregnancy of which Craig speaks has nothing to do with any band members.) On Startlefish's Use of the Belsito-Patented Third Person Narrative "I learned my third person from the best...I wonder if the people that update your site and the people that update mine do lunch." - Craig West Startlefish: Santa's Tribute Band "Thanks for the links...but couldn't we have been Satan's tribute band instead of Santa's? The letters are the same and both guys wear red. Satan has a bit more rock and roll credibility." - Craig West Ed Young's List of Quotes You Will Never Hear #1 - "My voice is way too loud in my monitor. Could you turn it down?" - Chris Belsito #2 - "I love playing the acoustic guitar all night long." - Jamie Case #3 - "Man I'm going through shampoo like crazy." - The follically challenged Ed Young #4 - "My guitar is too loud." - Craig West #5 - "I've got the next two weekends off." - Lindsay Pugh #6 - "If only I had a Fender Bass." - George Ravlich" New words for the Dictionary "Assmanship - as in 'A great show of assmanship on Ravlich's part.' or Assing - as in 'That picture of Ravlich is the assing on the cake.' - Craig West A Cunning Ploy #2 "Who ever thought that such good would come about as the results of an ass." - Craig West A Cunning Ploy "How is your bid to garner local fame via George's exposed backside going?" - Craig West On Ravlich's Increased Butt Exposure "The world seems a little brighter today knowing that Rav is not afraid." - Larry Borek A Lack Of... "Your forum has grown cold." - Craig West George Ravlich on the Exposure of His Bare Buttocks "I swear to God...it was a wardrobe malfunction!" - George Ravlich On the Decision To Post the Picture of George's Backside "Now we'll see how much traffic your ass can generate...Wait a minute, I guess that didn't sound very good." - Chris Belsito Another Good Word: Loathsome "The shameless display of buttocks on your website is loathsome..." - Craig West The Truth Behind The Scenes "I think Ed, Lindsay, George and I should find some reason to sue you. It would make for headlines...You owe us. We all helped cook the pie, but you are the only one that ate. Well, we have to have something to sue you for. What do you think we should sue you for?" - Craig West (Editor's Note: Craig went on to clarify: "I thought 'we all helped cook the pie, but you are the only one that ate' would look great on a legal document." Yes, yes it would Craig. So would "for all the back payments and royalties to all the Startlefish songs Belsito wrote." A Reason Belsito Should Respond To His Fan Emails Faster "Mike Sirie says I have to punch you in the throat for not responding to his emails." - Craig West Now We Understand "My life is like a goat." - Craig West Signs of the Apocalypse "Have you seen the virgin mary sandwich yet?" - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: As amusing as the quote is - it was a real question - to see it yourself, click here On The Death of Rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard "How does this affect your dream of having a Belsito CD produced by the GZA?" - Craig West On The Possibility of Moving to Hollywood and Becoming a Stuntwoman "The option had occurred to me, but man, that operation is expensive. It's cheaper to be the guitar/bass guy in town, but it does cut back on the L.A calibre of chicks I could meet if I was a stuntwoman." - Lindsay Pugh "Beardtraitor" or Why Dan Belsito and Craig West Should Never Be Allowed to Talk "Why does your brother not have a beard...you do, your father does...why is he standing against the Belsito tradition and what do you intend to do about it?" - Craig West "I've been investing money in the Beard Society of Canada for the last four years...with my continued support they are willing to do an intervention." - Dan Belsito "Thank God!" - Craig West "Its earned itself the name the hog-tie breadown...basically they'll tie him down until such time as the beard comes in. Once its there he won't be able to deny the power it has over him." - Dan Belsito On Hearing Of The Potential Belsito CD Giveaway Contest on LTVNews "Please tell me that the winner is whomever can milk a cat the fastest?"" - Craig West (Open Letter to Craig's Parents: Dear Mr. and Mrs. West....Although Craig is a bright boy, we have some serious concerns. In order to help us understand him better, we have provided a short list of questions about Craig's childhood that we hope you can answer...) What The World Needs Now... "I think what the world needs now are deep fried hamburgers. Think about it. Crispy buns keeping in the grease flavoured burgers. I think the world deserves it." - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: What would Burt Bacharach think?) The Growing Impatience of Craig West "When I start each day, I expect there to be new content on your website. Chop chop! Your site should be updated three times daily with each update being more interesting than the last. Your fans have expectations you know. Your fans need to be amused regularly, and if they are not, they will begin to question things, and then chaos will follow. Learn from Rome, Belsito; bread and circuses. The mob must be kept happy or they will riot." - Craig West Nice "Your second LTV thing was nice. Just watched it. Lindsay played very nicely, and the close up shots of your head were a little intimidating, but nice. The sound was nice once again, thanks to George who mixed everything very nicely. The lighting was nice, as was the backdrop. However..." - Craig West (Editor's Note: We at chrisbelsito.com have decided to cut this quote off short for fear of offending young children and the sanctimonious. It should also be noted that West knows full well that Belsito has never been fond of the term "nice" when used in reference to him.) Mid-Week Blahs "How are you today?" - Craig West "Blessed to be alive and gainfully employed." - Chris Belsito "Yes, otherwise we might be sleeping or recording music." - Craig West "Quit that evil talk." - Chris Belsito "Evil talk is part of the job." - Craig West Of Scary Bar Patrons and Zombies It has to be noted that some bars are scarier to perform at than others: "Perhaps you should come to our gig there and bring your gun just in case." - Craig West "It's a single shot, which makes it difficult when eliminating a bar full of zombie-like patrons." - Chris Belsito "Take out the biggest one and the rest may think you are the new leader." - Craig West "Yes, then we can move to our compound on the edge of town and slowly take over the entire City. Belsito, once a musician, now leader of the Moronic Tribe of Algoma (MTA)." - Chris Belsito "Why not? Leader of a zombie mob has to be more fun than an office job, even if there is no dental." - Craig West Why Suffer From Ennui When You Can Embrace It? "You are sad. I am sad. I have learned from you that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no tunnel. It is a pit. At the bottom I suspect there are spikes. Our reward for the big fall and the time spent in the dark is impalement. Happiness is a thing for others. Success is a thing for others. We get to be sad and then we get to die." - Craig West "Couldn't have expressed it better myself...sniff." - Chris Belsito A Muted Belsito On receiving a suggestion to check out Belsito's performance on LTVNews.com: "I'm at work right now and I can't really blast the 'besito goodness' through my crummy pc speaker whilst I am imprisoned in the cubicle jungle. If it makes you feel better though I'll go to the site and watch the video with my sound on mute, this way I can make up my own songs, maybe it'll be the best you've ever sounded." - Curtis O' Neil Belsito: A Dandy in Disguise? Crag has trouble accepted that Belsito enjoyed U2's Zooropa and Pop period. We feel this exposes a critical failing on Craig's part to understand artistic creativity and growth. "The truth is that you admire the self pandering bourgeoisie pastiche of U2's Pop, because part of you yearns for the glittering suit and the giant suspended fruit. If you could perform a large concert in a glowing suit under a giant avocado, you would without hesitation. You are blinded by the fruit, the suit and the cowboy hat. I will get you a copy of Yes' Tales From Topographic Oceans so you can have something to listen to along with U2's lemony Pop era poop. - Craig West Be Good and Alice Will Bring You Candy "I think in future generations, kids won't be allowed to trick or treat anymore. Fear of everything will force parents to come up with another way of bringing their kids candy without having to trust strangers. I vote for expanding the myth of Alice Cooper. Parents can tell their children that Alice will bring them candies if they are good and go to bed on Halloween night. There can be photo ops with someone dressed up like Alice in the malls. Our future generation of children shouldn't have to work to get their treats. It should be brought to them like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus does. I believe Alice is the man to do it." - Chris Belsito "Brilliant...the good boys and girls get candy, while the bad ones are 'taken' by Alice and never seen again. They will be taken to Alice's castle where the faces of all the bad boys and girls are now on pumpkins for all eternity. Frozen." - Craig West "Exactly!" - Chris Belsito There's always room for J-E-L-L-O (or how to fill 60 seconds with a series of fast email transactions) "Dogs will eat your bones." - Craig West "Sounds sexy." - Chris Belsito "Not if they leave all the flesh on their way to the bones...then you will be sad and like Jell-O." - Craig West "If all that is left is like Jell-O, then my remains will most likely be ravished by hungry children from Bill Cosby's cult." - Chris Belsito "Oh no...no no... you will not be remains. You will be sentient jelly kept in a flesh bowl. If you thought asthma was bad, wait until you try breathing without bones." - Craig West "Bothersome, to be sure." - Chris Belsito Craig is Easy On his recent inclusion on the Startlefish blogspot by discussing Ashlee Simpson's SNL gaffe: "Whoohoo...I finally made someone's forum! Belsito's is impossible to crack unless you know someone on the inside..." - Roy Kreutzberger (Editor's Note: See Roy, we at chrisbelsito.com wait for just the right quote. It finally came and we are happy for you. We leave the contrived and self-conscious commentary for Startlefish. Just kidding Craig...really!) What? "This season's mannequins are just not that good." - Chris Belsito The Bad Influence of Peers "I am experiencing a fast food craving...like Arbys or A&W or Harveys." - Craig West "I want to avoid the perils of sickness, so I am going to try to be a bit more health conscious and your tempting offer [of fast food] will not help me." - Chris Belsito "Madness. What's next? Life in a giant plastic bubble where you are fed asparagus shakes through a tube? Now stop this insanity and meet me for lunch." - Craig West YFSA - A Plea From Ravlich In an email simply entitled "YFSA": "Your forum sucks ass. Put some useless banter in there." - George Ravlich Craig's Speculation On Why Chris Isn't Currently Playing Live "Was it Lindsay's superior coif? Was it Ed and I running around in another band? Was it just an attempt to keep up with the now concluded Chris Isaak show?" - Craig West Unintentional Friday Afternoon Email Poetry "Owls will bite out your eyes." – Craig West "Owls, crows, alien masters...whatever." – Chris Belsito "Your flippancy will be your demise." – Craig West "And your demise will be flippant." – Chris Belsito "You will die with flippers." – Craig West "Flipper has died." – Chris Belsito "Dead with dying flippers." – Craig West "Dead flipper dying? – Chris Belsito [A Long Email Pause] "Given up on the dying flipper dead thing? Hmmm?" – Chris Belsito "No, and flipper never looked more dapper than when he had met the flayer." – Craig West (Editor's Note: Is there a 'home' for the preservation and protection of creative and insane individuals?) No Respect "Rodney Dangerfield is dead. He claimed to get no respect. You are alive. What respect do you get?." - Craig West "Your genuine, heart-felt comments are more than enough." - Chris Belsito On Craig West's Suggestion That The New Duran Duran Song Is Actually Good "Nope. I'm sticking to it. It's crap and will not stand the test of time. Nostalgia washes away common sense." - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: Belsito concedes that there is a definite difference between them looking good and actually still being good) Sympathy For a Kidnapped Rubber Chicken - Belsito Style Taken from an email sent to the anonyomous chicken kidnapper (only known as Colonel Saunders) "Three words: Chicken Salad Sandwich" - Chris Belsito Punishable by Flogging? "To photograph a man with a rubber chicken and then to not send him said pictures is considered a terrible offence in many countries...just so you know." - Craig West Future Words For Webster's Dictionary "Diatist: A person who is unable to dream about themselves." - As created (ironically enough) by a Chris Belsito dream Bush Nightmares: Volume 2 "I had a dream last night that George and Laura Bush were visiting. I had your CD on in the background. George knew all the words to your songs and was singing along. I thought to myself, 'He has a really good voice.' Just then he started to sing cowboy songs and we couldn't make him stop. It was frustrating." - Lynda Belsito (Chris' mom) (Editor's Note: Chris' mother had no knowledge of Craig West's Bush dream thereby suggesting that there might be some creepy connection between Bush and Chris' music floating around in dreamland.) Egomania Revealed Watching a Videotaped Performance "The mix isn't very good. I can't hear my guitar." - Craig West "I think it sounds ok. My vocals are coming through nice and clear and that's all that really matters, right guys? Right?" - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: Sarcasm is a favourite band pastime and Craig can never hear his guitar no matter how loud.) Bush Nightmares "I had a weird dream last night. You were in it. We were at Algoma U and met George W. Bush. He seemed nice. It gave me the creeps when I woke up." - Craig West How to Get on the Belsito Website in Fifty Words or Less "You know, I'm a pretty funny guy. I also say the darndest things sometimes. I am witty and come up with good banter. Not once have I ever been quoted on that infernal Belsito site! Management better get to the bottom this...or heads will roll." - Mike Robillard (bass player for Shannon Weir and the Even Strangers) On the Belsito Band's Performance (without Lindsay Pugh) on a Community Day Float "So, I saw the rerun of the parade on TV yesterday. The band was playing 'Blurring.' Yeah, you kinda looked like a dixieland band on acid. Now I'm not sure if it was me or the band that was on the acid, but it was pretty weird." - Lindsay Pugh On the Poster Created For The Loplops Show "I wanted to start trying some different things, and figured that for Loplops, an image of an alien eating a brain might be deemed unsavoury." - Craig West What Happens When Chris Asks For Craig's Thoughts Without Specifying What He Means "We need offices set up in Prague and in the United Arab Emirates. We need helicopters and really nice leather coats that are about 3/4 length. We need MBM business cards, and consultants to explain to us why we know nothing about hair. We need famous actresses and models hanging off our arms at red carpet events. Lindsay apparently needs a mouth and I could use a good night's sleep." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Just so you don't think Craig was being mean (this time around)...the Lindsay reference was inspired by Lord Pugh's concern regarding his lack of mouth on our latest promotional poster. Well Lindsay, maybe this is a sign that it is time you start singing back-up vocals.) On the Need for Chris to Self-Promote More at Events Like the Lost Loon "You need to get up on that stage and plug yourself in front of this audience...(pause)...Maybe I should rephrase that." - George Ravlich Overheard Just Before Playing Lou Reed at Seafood Event "I know there are some of you who like oysters. And there are those of you who like clams. But for those of you who like both oysters and clams, this is 'Walk on the Wildside.'" - Chris Belsito On Chris' Role in The Oyster Kings "You are cut from everything. We forgot to tell you. You will sit in the corner crying and eating clams." - Craig West Chris On Local Vibe Legend Bob Jenkins "Man, he is just the epitome of chill" - Chris Belsito On Chris' Ability to Absorb Sun Craig West recently got a bit of a nasty sunburn while performing on a float. He thought it unfair that Belsito's temporarily red face turned to brown within a few hours. "We could probably fire you into the corona of the sun and you would come out the other side thinking you had a nice tan. Damn Mediterranean skin!" - Craig West The Strange Life of Tiny Bubbles "Is there a post-work beer tonight?" – Roy Kreutzberger (former Startlefish drummer) "I have to set up sound right after work for the Chris Belsito plays for Tiny Bubbles outside the Memorial Gardens gig. Yes...you read that right." – Craig West "First - I'll be at the Downbeat after work. Second - what the hell? Tiny Bubbles? Is this some kind of midget porn thing? At the Gardens? Huh?" – Rob Slack (Friend and Confused Sometime Merch Guy) "I don't think I can make the drink...sorry...Tiny Bubbles is indeed a midget porn thing, and ringmaster of this circus of pint-sized pornography will be none other than local folk singer turned non-folk singer...Chris Belsito. What happens in the Memorial Gardens parking lot STAYS in the Memorial Gardens parking lot." – Craig West "Midget porn, eh? Where do I get tickets?" – Roy Kreutzberger "That's the best part...it's free. Of course you will be encouraged to put money in the g-strings of the midgets, which Belsito will then collect." - Craig West "Bring Tiny Bubbles by the Downbeat when you're done. We'll do some midget porn star tossing. Wanna toss the dwarf porn star, Roy?" - Rob Slack (Friend and Confused Sometime Merch Guy) "Among other things." - Roy Kreutzberger "Tiny prefers classy joints like the Union Hall, where pornstar dwarves and their pet Appalachian hounds get a fair shake." - Craig West "Belsito is a...lucky man. Yeah. Lucky. Will he be in a leather thong while doing this?" - Roy Kreutzberger "I can't give too much away about a show of this size. My contract stipulates that. If you THINK Chris will be wearing such an outfit, then perhaps he will. You will have to go to the Gardens at 8:00pm to know for sure and to discover exactly what TINY BUBBLES is all about." - Craig West “And exactly how did I get involved in all this?” - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: This email transaction shows exactly how Belsito's reputation and professional career can be adversely affected before he even knows that it is happening.) Ravlich & Goat's Head Soup "Now. For bonus points, and a chance at the grand prize...who said the following: 'I was so exhausted I fell asleep while the stripper was dancing and the goat head was looking up at me.'" - Robert Slack (Friend and Sometime Merch-Guy) "George Ravlich?" - Chris Belsito "Not George...the goat head would have kept his attention." - Craig West (Editor's Note: For those who actually care about the answer - it was Bill Clinton in his new autobiography.) Sympathy Craig-Style "Sorry for your toil. Toil kills. Toil spoils the soul. I'll think of something catchy." - Craig West Mr. West's Baggage "Playing in your band back in 1992 was like playing chess with tinfoil in my eyes." - Craig West Monday Morning Positivity Part 1 "Another interesting fact for you: Chris' heart is black." - Chris Belsito "Hmmm. That's cheery. Good morning to you too." - Craig West Complain, Complain "You're being lazy. Don't copy your 'news' articles from your site and put them in emails. Makes me not want to go to the site. Or not read the emails. Silly bastard. HEHE" - Curt O' Neil (Originator of the Curt O' Neil Effect) "Oh yeah...oh yeah. So what?" - Chris Belsito "So, um...I'll deface your face." - Curt O' Neil (Originator of the Curt O' Neil Effect) Overheard Comments "Yeah, that guy lying on the stage is our singer." - Craig West On Courtney Love's Apparent Downward Spiral "Hey, did you see Courtney Love got busted again?" - Rob Slack (Friend and Sometime Merch Guy) "Good to see that she is one of the few and proud who are holding up the rock star flag. What is with this perception that rock stars are supposed to be sober, straight, law abiding? The ghosts of Keith Moon and Jim Morrison approve of her, I'm sure. Without Courtney, there would be no one doing anything interesting in the extracurricular life of rock." - Chris Belsito "Oh, I agree about Ms Love. I've pretty well had enough of these church-going, reality-tv-watching lugheads using people like Courtney Love as some kind of mirror so they can feel morally superior to the rest of the world that doesn't go to church or watch reality tv...So, yes the world needs self-destructive rock and roll people. I just wish they were less clown-like than Courtney Love and Axl Rose. Scott Weiland was keeping the hope alive. Now that Velvet Revolver has launched, we'll have to wait and see if he explodes in an orgy of heroin and sex or not..." - Rob Slack (Friend and Sometime Merch Guy) Words That Make Craig Happy "The use of the word SHAMEFUL made me feel happy for the first time in days." – Craig West Craig Mocks Chris' Indecisive Nature Chris had many potential names for what became the Turbulence CD "I like the title of the CD, but can we somehow also touch on the confessional qualities of the album. Perhaps, "The Ghost Of A Particular Vespine Nature Kept The Bellweather In The Balance Of Vertigo, at the Chingay Parade, but was Always Afraid Of Hell." - Craig West Fun With Spellcheck - Part 1 "Did you know that spell check always tries to turn your last name into 'Beloit?'" - Craig West Mine turns it into 'Blest.' What is a 'Blest?" - Chris Belsito "What the hell is a 'Beliot?' The hook at the end of a ocean tuna fisherman's pole?" - Craig West The Day Chris Suggested Craig Shave His Beard Before A Performance "If you were a real fella, you would grow back your beard and not hide behind that skin of shame. Your poor mother." - Craig West Ideas From Out of Nowhere "I have an idea for you: make a video and put me in it. Also please put some bikini babes in the video and perhaps also include Paris Hilton semi-naked...I am trying to be a movie extra here or a model here right now. Wish me luck." - Larry Hyslop (a long lost and quite likely mad friend of Belsito) (Editor's Note: Larry checks in every few years to make suggestions on how to advance Belsito's career. Thanks for your input Larry and just so you know we'll likely be calling Paris in the next few weeks. If she agrees, you'll be hearing from our people too.) On INXS Using a Reality Show to Find a New Singer "Here's your chance for fame and fortune." - Rob Slack (Friend and Merch Guy) "Nice to see they aren't selling themselves out or capitalizing on Mikey's death." - Chris Belsito "So, if you die in a coke-induced auto-erotic asphyxiation accident, will the band go to reality tv for grief support?" - Rob Slack (Friend and Merch Guy) "I would hope so...'The Belsito Band is looking for a new singer. Is your name Belsito? Are you looking for a band? We are here for you...'" - Chris Belsito "Sweet." - Rob Slack Belsito Dreams: Episode #1 (June 6, 2004) "Last night, I was in England on the patio of a large castle-like structure that was on the edge on the ocean. I looked out into the waves and hundreds of large birds were floating into shore (my head was likely filled with D-Day images). The birds looked liked oversized Puffins. My dreaming mind told me they were the same birds from the croquet match in Alice in Wonderland and that they were the cause of the shouts of 'Off with their heads.' Of course, my awakened mind knew that they were not Puffins, nor were they the cause of beheadings. Anyway, as they landed on the shore, I realized that there were hundreds of children standing around waiting for them. As the oversized Puffins landed on the shore, they began to chase the children, who ran off in fear. At that point, I turned away and re-entered the castle-like building to continue on with my journey." - Chris Belsito Craig West: Son of Satan? "No. No, I would remember if Craig was my kid." - George Ravlich Belsito Mocks West For The Sake of Mockery Craig ordered a progressive rock CD (a la Yes or Genesis) and complained about it's slow delivery. For the record, Belsito ordered the same one, but decided to mock Craig anyway. "You and your prog-rock snobbery will get you nowhere. Had you chosen the good road and ordered a Bob Seger cd, it may have been delivered to you quickly. A band with 17 minute songs who has recorded in castles is not healthy for you. It will only lead to further upper class decadence. We in the west end, free from rats and the menace of yuppies, have a special place reserved in hell for you and your Tolkienesque band." – Chris Belsito Real Entertainment - A Request to Super-Size the Belsito Stage Show "Why can't your shows have a side show like this guy:[Quote from sootoday.com] 'A drunk, buck-naked 25-year-old was picked up by the Sault Ste. Marie Police Service in front of the Algonquin Hotel overnight. The intoxicated male, who had covered himself with a blanket, was taken to police headquarters. Police say they picked up the same the same guy at the same time and place the previous night. He was fully clothed on that occasion, but appeared to be less intoxicated last night than during his earlier encounter with the local constabulary." - Curtis O'Neil (Originator of the Curt O' Neil Effect) "When I sang with Crankshaft at the Riverrock, we had some side shows like that." - Chris Belsito "Well yeah, that's the Riverrock. I think I was a sideshow like that back in the day as well. I mean at the 'real' bars you play at now." - Curtis O' Neil "Are you volunteering then? Maybe that can be part of the magic of the Curt O' Neil Effect." - Chris Belsito Spawn of Satan In a unspectacular discussion that involved the comparison of two songs, West and Belsito inadvertently found their connection to the devil, thereby doing their bit for the reputation of rock n' roll. "Ocean Cloud could be son of Bell in the Sea, like you could be the spawn of Satan." - Chris Belsito "Hmmm. Well, with my adoptive status this certainly seems feasible. If Satan was my dad, that would be good for the band I would think." - Craig West "Yes, and that is why I am counting on you to do your bit. As for me, I will change my name to Chris Belsatan or Chris Belzebob if necessary." - Chris Belsito "Chris Belsatan is by far better. I think you should legally change your name right now. Don't wait for better judgement. Just walk down to the name change office at City Hall and change it. And grow a tail while you're at it." - Craig West Morning Pleasantries "How is your morning going?" - Chris Belsito "I want to be here about as much as I want to eat glass." - Craig West The Curt O’Neil Effect "I think what we witnessed on Saturday was what I am now calling 'The O'Neil Effect.' It goes like this: I arrived, the bar was packed. Sat against the wall for about 5 to 10 minutes until two seats opened up. We moved there and sat down. Then about 20 minutes later the place was empty and you were playing for Jes and I and two other couples. A similar thing happened at your acoustic set at the old Martini's as well. I arrive, the place is pretty full and hard to find a seat. About 10 minutes after I sat down, you had the opportunity to quip into the mic 'Hey Curt, now you can't leave. You're the only person here.' I know there have been shows where people have stayed, but it seems that people leave when I show up. It's not too great on the ego. So I either had to create a name for it as in 'The O'Neil Effect' or realize that it is: a) I smell pretty bad, people can't take it and have to leave; or b) I'm obnoxious and people can't stand me; or c) I'm obnoxiously smelly. So, now the next time I arrive at a show, we can do an 'O'Neil Effect' countdown and possibly even have a timer on stage or something. We might even be able to place bets and make some extra money on the side. Oh, the possibilities! Talk to you soon." - Curt O' Neil, the originator of 'The O'Neil Effect' (Editor's Note: Now Belsito has a scapegoat for poor attendance at shows. "Hey Curt, how about getting down to the club and fast...") "Hey Chris, are you familiar with a recent independent film called The Cooler starring William H. Macy? In the film, Macy plays a loser with such abysmal luck, and such a bad aura and vibe that he is hired by a Las Vegas Casino to sit beside patrons who are experiencing a winning streak. The effect is that they begin to lose simply by his being near them. The O'Neil Effect discussed earlier on your website made me think of this, and as always I have an idea. Perhaps we could employ Curt O'Neil to go to OTHER bars on nights we are playing. He could drive people away from the other bars and perhaps they would then come to whatever place we were playing. We could give him twenty bucks for drinks and send him out on the town with instructions to go everywhere that we are NOT. Perhaps this could represent some new career opportunities for Curt 'The Cooler' O'Neil." - Craig West A Hole for One: Planning Ahead for Golfers "Let's free up city space by utilizing the wonderful green turf in the cemeteries as golf courses. Seems redundant to have both. Besides, who would mind?" - Chris Belsito "How would you get around all the headstones? Or perhaps it should be like mini-golf with lots of obstacles." - Craig West "The busy area with a lot of headstones could be used for the mini-putt concept - for children, young families and those going on a date. The mausoleum could be used as the target in a pitch and putt. The open fields with headstone plates low to the ground can be used as the main course. A Golfer's Graveyard. I think it would make money. Retirement communities are building up around the outside of golf courses. So, it makes sense to me.Think of the golfing clientele. The majority are older, retired, etc. This can ease them into the idea of death. They can pick grave sites at their favourite holes. For example, 'I want to buried on the fairway of the seventh hole. It's a Parr 4, and I always like the way the green looked when the sun was setting' or 'Hey look, we're coming up on Dave's grave. He always loved this golf course.'" - Chris Belsito "Yeah, or someone could buy a plot that they later intend to be buried in and lay claim to it early. Then they park their golf cart on the spot. John Smith, 17th Hole, Date of Birth, Date of Death on the headstone." - Craig West Craig's Big Acid Trip After listening to Chris blather on about something-or-other, Craig responded with the following which was likely meant as a means to derail a boring conversation...either that or someone slipped Sir West some bad acid: "Well...I'll have you know this, mister...I've seen plenty, and I mean plenty of fish pulling wagons. And back in my day they didn't have water to swim in like you have today. They swam through battery acid full of broken glass, and they were glad for it, because for them, that was a day off. Not laying around the house like you do today. Those fish worked, and let me tell you another thing. Sometimes all they had to eat was white hot molten steel and do you think they complained? NO! They were happy to eat molten steel because they appreciated how hard their parents had it." - Craig West (Editor's Note: You think that was wierd, you should see the speed of verbal delivery of most of Craig's free flow rants) On the Use and Potential Theft of Tony Bernardo’s Guitar "Tony's guitar sounds good don't you think?" - Chris Belsito "Tell Tony you were robbed by guitar pirates. He'll understand." – Larry Borek "Do you think he'll buy it?" - Chris Belsito Lies and Other Truths "Do you like how I exploited the Craig's unfortunate situation for my NEWS section?" – Chris Belsito "Yeah thought it was great. By now, I would have resorted to making things up, like: 'Lindsay Pugh Kidnapped' or 'Ed Young Really From Mars.'" – Curt O' Neil (Murderfly Web Support / Friend) "I have been thinking about taking this route." – Chris Belsito "There are many possibilities with it I think: 'Ed Young - Love Child of the 2 Mars Rovers' or 'Curt O'Neil - You Don't Know Him But Man, He's GREAT!' or 'Has Anybody Seen My Foot Fungus?'" – Curt O' Neil (Murderfly Web Support / Friend) Cantankerous Musician Babble Chris was trying to make arrangements for the filming of the Forthcoming Live DVD. It was the eleventh hour and things weren't working out like he had initially planned. One of the intended film crew cancelled out at the last minute. Craig was fishing for a bit of cheery, upbeat news that he never did receive: "What's your plan?" - Craig West "I've chosen not to have one." - Chris Belsito "Oh good, I won't worry now. Do you have anyone else to call?" - Craig West "Really, I was hoping someone might call me." - Chris Belsito "That's a good plan. I would just wait for a message from outer space actually." - Craig West "Alien videographers are likely more reliable." - Chris Belsito "Does the first videographer have experience working with music?" - Craig West "Only singing marmots and the occasional whispering eel." - Chris Belsito "Good, good. And I won't even tell Ed and Lindsay that you likened them to eels and marmots. Well, all my fears are set aside. Now I can eat wool and barbeque my lawn." - Craig West The Very Worst of: A Collection of Bad Reviews of Chris Belsito's Music Volume 1 Excerpts from reviews of the song "Human Remains (Grafitti)" "Everything about this song screams 'Meatloaf with an ego problem!' Some of the blandest vocals I've ever heard. There's absolutely nothing to them. The song is prolific only in it's overt attempts to be profound, and it fails miserably. Not good...Not good at all." - Talesien (Lancaster, Ohio) "Yikes! The vocalist is weak and the lyrics are also poor. This song doesn't do anything for me. The harmonies are out of tune. Sorry but I can't think anything positive about this tune..." - Stereotypes (Monroe, New York) "This song is on the boring side in my opinion. Sounds like something my mom listens to on the Christian station..." - Joe Classic (Stanhood, Washington) "This isn't my thing. I really don't much care for this. It's just really serious and dramatic which makes it seem silly in my opinion. "Scars of beauty?" What sort of a lyric is that? Is this Christian music? I don't know what to say about this..." - Mr. Strauss (Temple City, California) "What the hell is this?!!? Voice sux, melody okay, blaaaaaaahhh, I'm gonna puke!!! Special Award: Stupidest Song I've Ever Heard." - Ultrarooster (Corpus Christi, Texas) "No, no, no. Stop now, this isn't rock at all. It makes me wanna blow up my speakers, kiss my dog or...drink hot pee. I haven't figured it out yet." - Darrell (Corydon, Indiana) "Not a big fan of the lead vocalist..." - Satellite King (Portland, Oregon) "Bad music reborn. This is bad man. Human remains?" - Falter (Starkville, Mississippi) "Do you think they like me?" - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: Proof positive that you can't please 'em all. It also shows that you need have thick skin and a healthy sense of humour in this business. The Very Worst of: A Collection of Bad Reviews of Chris Belsito's Music Volume 2 Coming Soon!) Craig's Dreams of Overlords and Cameras "Your Highness, I had a weird dream last night that I owned a camera and you needed it so that the CD would come out on time, and I was trying to leave it for you at work but you were not there, although there was a horse in your office. Then higher beings who were the overlords of this realm started removing people whose influence they did not like, and then rolling back time, sort of like in Dark City. I'm not sure what that has to do with your CD or why you needed a camera, or what a horse was doing in your office." - Craig West You've Been Ravlich'd In an email entitled 'If You Know What's Good For You.' "Ballzi, I was just perusing the site. I know I don't actually play in your little band anymore, but I feel my name is not mentioned nearly enough on this site."- signed George "Pugh Who" Ravlich Forum Response In an email response to the last forum item: "The Rad Zone (who carry everything that is hard to find and falls into the entertainment category) can supply all of your 'gently used' African Snail needs. we also have an excellent line of Snail shell stickers to accent your new accessory. The Rad Zone in Wellington Square Mall, across from the closed restaurant. Call or visit our website at www.gently-used-snails-are-us.com" - Len Ward (Editor's Note: See...the band members weren't the only ones excited by these large snails. And you thought they were just weird.) Bring on the Giant Snails The following dialogue followed the reading of a news story regarding the confiscation of giant snails. Click here to read about it yourself. "Wouldn't you like one of these?" – Chris Belsito "$#@& YEAH!!" – Craig West "You could say things like, ‘Would you like to hold my snail. Careful, it's a bit sticky...’ – Chris Belsito "Likely, I would carry it around with me and when people asked me things, I would say...'My snail doesn't like you. I don't like you either. Leave us alone.'" – Craig West "Someone would say, 'Hey Craig, I want that $20 you owe me.' You could say, 'Let's see what my snail thinks about that. No. No, I don't think you will be seeing any money today.' Yes, life would be easier with a snail." – Chris Belsito "Life would be great with a snail - where can I get one?" – Craig West On Craig’s Habit of Napping in the Studio "We may need to wake him from his golden slumber to rerecord his part." - Chris Belsito "Do you think we should?" - Larry Borek How to Insult Chris in the Recording Studio After being rudely awakened from his nap: "Yes, I agree that I need to redo my parts. Especially for this song because its so mechanical sounding." – Craig West "What?" – Chris Belsito "I meant that in a good way." – Craig West "How about you go back to sleep." - Chris Belsito On Christian Bale as Batman In an email entitled "nice and rubbery": "At the end of it all, what we all need to see is a guy dressed up in rubber, with a cape and bat ears..." – Rob Slack (friend and merch guy) "Don't just look at it...eat it." - Craig West (Editor's Note: For those who have yet to see Christian Bale's performance in American Psycho, we are sorry to say that you'll likely miss the humour in this exchange. Let's just leave it at that.) Technology vs. Magic Wands "Does it not frustrate you that there are technological barriers standing between our creativity and the manifestation of that creativity in the real world?" – Craig West "I don't like it one bit. I want a magic wand. Things would be done at my will, like the leader in Turkestan. He says, 'I don't like gold teeth" and all the gold teeth of the citizens are removed. I would say, 'My life should be easy' and my will would make me fat and free from worry." – Chris Belsito New Expressions the Belsito Band Should Be Paid For Inventing "I used this expression on Curt O' Neil - I decided I like it: ‘Sorry to be the balloon of bad news.’ Whatcha think?" – Chris Belsito "Excellent. Good one. What was the bad news you floated in with for him?" – Craig West (Editor's Note: This exchange once again shows why Belsito and West get along: tolerance and approval of each other's time-wasting blather.) The Days of Whine and Roses "I want to go see Morrisey perform this summer. I love his new song. I bet it will be a good tour that attracts good opening acts. In addition, at concerts I have attended in the past, I have: drank myself to oblivion, fist-pumped, screamed, fallen asleep, become dizzy, felt nausea, got in an arguement, been groped by a stranger, given the devil sign and meant it, sang along, crowd watched, been bored, felt sad and empty, felt ripped off...but I have yet to throw a rose at the stage. This might be the next natural step in the evolution of concert going. Then again, at a Morrissey concert, that would be too predictable and cliche. I will have to ponder this and come up with a suitable offering." – Chris Belsito "Is he coming anywhere close? Also, we need to get Priest tickets soon. Don't loose sight of that. You can also throw Rob a rose." – Craig West In an email the following day... "Woke up with Morrissey in my head, damn you." - Craig West "Better than waking up with Morrissey in your bed." - Chris Belsito "Yes, that is true." - Craig West Junk Food Paranoia Spending any amount of time with Craig West requires a strong will when it comes to avoiding junk food. If it is salted or devoid of nutritional value, it likely fuels Craig's creativity. 6 hours in the studio with Craig and his bags of chips and bars of toffee, even those with an iron will end up eating what they don't want to eat. “You are trying to kill me with BBQ Fritos." - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: Apparently, Belsito thinks it is all a plot against his well being.) Health Food Paranoia Understanding Craig West's psyche is fairly simple. If the food grows and is not an animal, Craig quite likely fears it. On the other hand, Chris embraces the fruit and vegetable side of things and likes to taunt Craig. "Don't touch a pear and then touch my guitar." - Craig West Just so you know, you will hear the sound of me eating a pear under the recording of that guitar part. I'm sure you will like it." - Chris Belsito Last of the Modern Day Mutineers “Thanks for the plug on your website...I was thinking...can we have a section of the Belsito site called Mutineers...for band member solo projects?” – Craig West “Soon that will be all my website will have. It will be like a virus that creeps all over the surface of the site until eventually no one will know that it was once a Belsito site." - Chris Belsito “Hmm...ok...that sounds good…I still like an actual section called Mutineers though." – Craig West On Actor Don Johnson’s Financial Woes "So what about Don Johnson going bankrupt? Kinda embarrassing, no? The problem is, he chose Miami Vice-type tv shows over good sci-fi like A Boy and His Dog. He chose to sing "Heartbeat" rather than shutting up and being mysterious. He chose to deny the creepiness that fame can bring. Look at James Spader. I don't think we'll see Spader in bankruptcy court anytime soon." – Chris Belsito "I think a lot also depends on how much coke you use. Think Spader uses coke? Nah, he probably uses scotch and a once a year trip to Indonesia for opium to keep good. That's the key. Use good drugs." – Craig West "Maybe Johnson's fall from glory can be a benefit to North American popular phrases. We can now say someone had a failing of Miami Vicean Proportions. No?" – Chris Belsito On the Trend of Naming Children After Popular Product Names "I think I will call my first born: Ventolin." - Chris Belsito "Nice. Ventolin Belsito. Has a good ring to it." - Craig West Sharing Airplay "Hey, if you are up - we will be played on CBC about 6:55 am. Song is yet to be determined. I recommended Skinny Bones, Night Swimming, or Only Thing." - Chris Belsito "... and I slept in ... did you tape it?" - Craig West "Yes, but do sleepers get to hear a copy of what the non-sleepers taped? I remember a story about the little red hen...who will help me bake the bread?" - Chris Belsito "Hey Mr. Hen, I helped you bake the bread and build the oven, besides I'm younger than you and need more sleep :)" - Craig West On the Timing of Craig’s Freshly Grown Beard Craig's band Startlefish went on a mini-tour hitting Ottawa and Montreal. Suspiciously, Craig's beard grew in just in time for the tour. Those in the know think it may have been more than a coincidence. "I’m sure you made the audience in Montreal feel at ease, just like it was a Sam Roberts’ homecoming performance. I hope you excessively perspired for them as well." – Chris Belsito The Winds of Change "What news of the world outside?" - Chris Belsito "Well, when I walked out my door this morning at 8:25 and the warm wind caught me, I thought...‘aha, the apocalypse...finally...now I can sleep in.’" – Craig West Craig on the Acquisition of Lord Pugh as Bass Player for the Belsito Band: Spring of 2003: "Put you and he together, you will create a prog rock blues album. Ha. Yes, that would be both horrid and wonderful. Featuring songs like Sisyphus Baby." - Craig West (Editor's Note: Chris wants to thank Lindsay for sticking it out in the band for over a year, and currently has his lawyers writing up an official thank you document to be sent to him via fax.) Belsito Band Hotline When the Turbulence CD Release Party was being planned, the band decided to utilize Craig's cell phone as an information hotline, which would be advertised to help promote the event. Craig created the message on his answering service and apparently Chris approved. "Call my cell." - Craig West "I love it - let me record it for the archives before it is erased....but the dates are on the message are wrong. Good job otherwise! - Chris Belsito "I know the dates are wrong. I'll fix them when I get home. I don't know how you'd record the message though." - Craig West "With my phone tap..." - Chris Belsito "You scare me sometimes." - Craig West On Crows and Other Spies "Have you noticed that the crows are flying a lot lower than they used to?" – Chris Belsito "That’s because their robot masters are telling them to spy closer." – Craig West On the Robot Masters (or How to Identify a One-Track Mind, Sci-Fi Geek) "Have you heard of the alien invasion in Iran?" – Chris Belsito "No. Are our robot masters finally here?!! JOY OF JOYS!" – Craig West "Yes. What happened in the 40s and 50s in America is happening in Iran today. Reports are coming en masse. Officials are even publicly saying things like, 'we need to find out if they are hostile,' only to be blasted by their higher ups for falling prey to superstition. Someone needs to say, 'That's not an alien, that's the US army, fool.'" – Chris Belsito "I await the return of the robot masters and I will gladly implant an interface into all of my friends for them." – Craig West (Editor's Note: Yes, there really was a news report about the dramatic increase in the reported UFO sitings in Iran. No, Craig has not had 'black out' periods or openly complained about the side effects of anal probing. And as for the implants in his friends...We think that not a wise idea.) Practice and Prairie Dogs "Want to practice this week?" - Chris Belsito "Practice? What's that?" - Craig West "It's the thin muscle on the back of a prairie dog." - Chris Belsito "Right, right. That's considered a delicacy amongst Albertans is it not? When soaked in eau d'ass?" - Craig West (Editor's Note: And once again, no practice was to be had.) More Witty Banter To Pass The Time "About the weekend, whatcha think?" - Chris Belsito "I think that the word GOAT is a cool word." - Craig West "Yes, yes, it is. But then again, so is 'carbuncle.'" - Chris Belsito "Agreed. And goats can suffer from carbuncles as far as I know." - Craig West More Lunch Offers "Pick you up at lunch?" - Craig West "No thank you, I will task at lunch. Can you use 'task' as a verb? I like the feel of it. P.S. Did you hear that 'bling-bling' is now in the dictionary. I will start using it now. Oh yes, and the possible title for a book - 'Where vanity and madness meet.' Maybe I will write my memoirs soon." - Chris Belsito "So I guess what you are saying is I won't see you at lunch?" - Craig West (Editor's Note: Chris is much better now since they took away the pills) Belsito Has Sensitivity Issues WIth Dead Rock Icons "Michael Kamen is dead." - Craig West "I think it is a scam, his death was likely orchestrated." - Chris Belsito (Editor's Note: Yes, Kamen was a famous conductor and this email clipping confirms that Belsito is quite likely going to hell.) Clip From An Email Discussing The Development Of This Website "Do you have ideas as to what you want on the website?" - Craig West "A goat and a sandwich." - Chris Belsito "Good. Then there should be nothing else. Can the sandwich eat the goat?" - Craig West (Editor's Note: This was the last comment in the email, thereby ending the discussion, with good reason we might add) The Belsito Band's Failing Memories "We are sad. Between us - we need a shipment of ginko" - Chris Belsito "Yup. Bartender! Two syringes of Ginko please. Right in the ear." - Craig West Monday Morning Positivity Part 2 "So...Belsito Band...what's next O fearful leader? Practice? Photos? Art? Fundraising? Gigs? Private Parties? Bowling Team?" - Craig West "Death." - Chris Belsito "Cryptic, and not quite as informative as I was hoping for, but it's a start because as Bob Dylan said,'Death Is Not The End.'" - Craig West Fast Food Breakfast Logic "I was eating a Subway sausage sandwich for breakfast and reading an article about the Japanese hostages, and realized Sausage Hostage had a nice ring to it." - Craig West Belsito Displays His Knowledge of City By-laws "Here is a quote from a city by-law you will like...By-law 70-399 - 'no person...shall cause or permit the beast which he shall so drive or ride to go at an immoderate rate, having due regard for all the circumstances.' I understand this to mean that I can indeed ride Lucifer through the streets of the City as long as I don't ride him to quickly and without regard for others." - Chris Belsito "That is awesome. Just awesome! Giddy up Lucifer!" - Craig West Late Easter Sentiment From Craig "I don't like chocolate, but I do like the [chocolate] Easter rabbits. I think it's just that I like to bite them on the head. I always cheer up when I see Easter rabbits." - Craig West (Editor's Note: We don't want to analyse this statement too closely for fear of what we might find bubbling in Craig's psyche.) On Robert Palmer (RIP) "Robert Palmer...is dead." - Craig West "Good." - Chris Belsito "You are going to hell for saying that. Jeez. Show a little sympathy will ya." - Craig West "You're right. Actually, it is bad. This means we will have to hear him much more on classic rock radio, especially in the next year. I hope someone worthy inherits his wardrobe." - Chris Belsito "I guess for the 80s he was a decent dresser, wasn't he?" - Craig West (Editor's Note: In one single statement, Craig both skips right over Belsito's sarcasm and shows questionable taste in men's clothing.) The Beef and I: A Tale of Craig's Mind One day Craig realized something about himself and his mind. He had developed something known to the common man as a 'conscience.' Craig, scared by the new found maturity, fired off an email expressing his concerns about the implications of this conscience. In a show of support, his loyal friend Belsito took the matter seriously and returned an email. "I think Craig has turned a corner. His mind was once a place of refuge from reality, a place where all evil deeds had the freedom to roam like mad cows on the Alberta flatlands. Now, in the season of seeds, the cows have been slaughtered, and bans imposed on them by delusional neighbours whispering 'sickness' in the ears of guilty ranchers." - Chris Belsito "I still eat beef at least. Mad or no." - Craig West "You didn't even respond to my humour. I feel disappointed. You must acknowledge the clarity of my email humour, it is becoming increasingly rare in my cluttered mind. Did you enjoy my flatlands story? I least I find myself clever." - Chris Belsito (Editor's